20 things at midnight
2003-11-28 | 12:37 a.m.

Just because all joy has been sucked out of me because of this accursed American holiday known only as "Thanks Giving" I will not try to make any kinda of entry that displays any kinda of thought progression...I will do nothing but make a big list of things because apparently I like those a whole fucking lot.

1. I hate thanks giving for two reasons. (a)I don't like turkey, just because I don't like it, not because I'm some how against eating the flesh of an animal that's been slowly cooked in it's own juices. (b)I hate spending time with my family...and by family I mean my father.

2. I had to use the spare keys that are hidden in the woodshed out back, to get into my parents house the other day. While trying to open the shed door, I ripped off the entire chunk of skin covering the my knuckle bone on my right hand. This makes typing a tad bit slower than normal.

3. It bothers me that my parents will never phrase a question by saying something like "Could you please move this big heavy thing three inches to the left?", but instead they say "Do you want to move this big heavy thing three inches to the left?" and, for some reason, presenting me with a fake option to not do the thing that I would rather not do...but I learned at an early age that my parents are not truely asking for my input on wether I am privy to do something...but just fucked-up parent speak for "DO THIS NOW MOTHERFUCKER!" and that if I were to respond "No, I do not believe that I want to move that heavy thing three inches to the left"...this results in my father trying in vain to recall the reasons he had children..out loud.

4. My parents want me to go to church with me. I do not want to go to church with my parents. They, for some reason, don't understand this and try to trick me into going to church with them. They tell me "But there will be Japanese people there...and pie!". I, then, proceed to call my friends and leave frantic voice mail messages, begging them to get me away from my parents and their church with japanese people and pie. My mother eventually says "It would make your father very happy if you went to church with us". I think "If Japanese people and pie wouldn't get me to your church...how in god's green earth do you, for one second, think that my father's happiness would somehow be more of a motivation?? FUCK YOUR PIE!!!"

5. This house makes me feel very tall.

6. I never realized how foolish I look laying on a twin sized mattress...my head hanging over one end, my legs over the other.

7. During our 5 hour drive from NewJersey to the north shore of Massachusetts, Lyndsay and I discovered that neither of us could say the word "twat" three times without breaking down into 13-year-old-boy type laughing fits. And belive me, we tried for hours.

8. My reciept from the Krispy Kreme in Medford read "The hot sign is on in Medford". This made me think "The hot sign is ON...in my pants" and then wonder how difficult if would be to shove a neon sign down the front of my trousers.

9. I love Vinny Testa's Penne alla Vodka, MMmmmmmm so fucking good.

10. While eating my Penne alla Vodka, I bit a chunk out of my lower lip, and after the pain had died down I thought "MmMmm...tastes like me..."

11. I really fucking hate dial-up...and my father's tardy computer. 1 gig hard drive my ass.

12. My mother asked me "Did you bring a coat" 5 times in two hours. So either she's very forgetful or she's just not listening to me when I respond to her. Might be both.

13. Auggie still smells like Fritos

14. Erika and Nathan are exactly the same except that they both have cell phones, thus making them insanely cooler than myself who happens to be cell phone-less. We walked their dog Max to the Lynn beach. He peed 12 times. We walked and talked and said lots of bad words. It was fun.

15. No, mom, I left my coat in Pete's apartment in NewJersey because I'm a total dick-nose.

16. It pleases me that I can call my sister from my parent's house and whisper "get me the fuck away from these crazy people" and she will.

17. I witnessed my father yelling at the dog to get out of his way, when the dog was about three feet away from himself and his projected path.

18. My father either has a sore throat, or is trying to speak more softly in order to sound more pious. In either case, he sounds silly.

19. My five year High School reunion is tomorrow...I shall not be in attendence, but I am happy Melissa is going so that she may later report back who has served time in prison, gotten knocked up, gone bald, etc. In the best possible situation...pictures should be taken.

20. I'm going to go eat string-cheese.


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