An oldie but always a goodie.
Previously posted on: July 15th, 2002
Title: Kiss of Mint

my booboo hurts.

I have an ouchie on my arm cause I was walking down the street and these people were like "Oh my god we're totally going to chase you around and knock you down and take your blood" and i was like "kay" so they did now I have a booboo.

Actually when I got home from work J came home and was like "I'm gonna go get an HIV test...wanna come along?" and I was like "Dude...will they give us free condoms and lube?" and he was like "Maybe" and I was like "Dude...I'm totally there" cause I don't like spending money on condoms and lube....I like getting it for free (yeah baby)

So we go to this place down town that's like the free clinic that all the poor people and the pathetic college students go to to get check ups and whatever and we go to room 220 (because that's were you go) and oddly enough...this is the ONLY room in the ENTIRE VAST BUILDING that actually has a room number on it. GO figure.

So we go and knock on the door and this lovely black lady opens the door and she's like "Hi I'm Bonnie" or was it Bessie. I don't remember. I remember thinking "Oh...I would name a cow that" but now it's not coming to me. Oh well.

but I didn't say that out loud cause that would be weird and J would be like "I don't know who this strange boy is...he followed me here" and she would have believed him cause I was wearing my "You're Just Jealous 'Cause The Little Voices Are Talking To Me" t-shirt.

So then she sits us down and tells us what HIV and AIDS are and then she gives me a little form to fill out and I go and sit in the hallway while she deals with J.

So I fill my little form out. I was really let down that there wasn't a space where I got to make up a name, because J told me that since this was an anonymous test that we might have to make up names for our selves, and I had decided that I was going to be "Michigan Esparza Greyson" because that sounds like a fun name to me. But there wasn't even a space for me to even squeeze a name in anywhere. What a disappointment.

So then Bonnie and J come and get me and I go in and sit down and Bonnie and I are chatting and she whips out a needle and sticks me in the arm and is like "You tell your little friend out there that THIS is how the blood is supposed to comeout" and she holds up my slowly filling vial of blood for me to see. She says "When I was taking his blood it would come out...and then stop...then it would come...then stopped...I think he was a bit nervous." I agreed with her, but we all know that it's because J is a greedy bitch and wants to keep all his blood to himself and doesn't like to share. Shame on you J.

So after she takes my blood (and I'm feeling very good about myself that I bleed well) she starts filling out this paper work and asking me questions. She's like "these are just for statistical reasons" and she was like "Do you have sex with the Mens??" and I was like "You bet your fine bottom I do" and she was like "Do you have sex with the LADIES?" and I was like "No ma'am...but only because I respect their bodies and sexuality...I would never want to interfear in that sacred trust"

And then she asked me all about condoms and if/when I use them and I was thinking to myself "well I WOULD use them...if I had sex..." so I kinda fibbed to her and I was like "Damnit Bonnie...I have sex so damn much I have a case of condoms delivered to my house once a week...A WHOLE DAMN CASE!"

She asked me if I was in a relationship and I said no and she put her hand on mine and was like "Baby...it'll happen sometime...and when it does and you and your honey are having some quiet time, you use these" and she hands me a hand full of "Kiss of Mint" flavored condoms "and these too" and she hands me a bundle of regular LIFE STYLES condoms "And these too" and she gives me a few tubes of AstroGlyde. And then she says "Now baby, one of these says it's for the Ladies...but you can use that too...I'm just tellin' you now so you don't get confused" and I was like "Well I might get confused" And she put her hand on mine and was like "Baby...you wright a post-it note and stick it on here because if you're having a personal moment with your baby and you reach for the lube I don't want you sayin "HEY! this is for the LADIES! I can't use this! because you CAN use it baby...YOU CAN!" and I flailed my arms in the air and said "AMEN!"

Then I left and J and I walked home with cotton balls band-aided to our arms...feeling very butch because of our wounds. Or at least I felt very butch.

So now I just have to wait till next week to find out whether I'm going to die or not. Let's see how long it takes for the stress to eat away at my brain and I go totally insane and throw myself from the roof of the girl scout house to the cruel blackness of Bull Street.

Gah

So now I'm sitting here and I have a giant pile of lube and condoms (some of them flavored! kisssss of miiint!) on my bed and I feel the need to use them. Kinda like how when you give a little kid a dollar and they want to spend it right away. I feel the need to open up all the condoms and arrange them on my bed and lick all the mint ones to see if they REALLY taste like mint or if it's all a big lie.

Anyone need some condoms? It's not like I'm going to be using them any time soon. They make me feel pathetic.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

yeah....pathetic