I decided that I wanted to repost some of my favorite Girl-Scout inspired entries. So I would like to present to all of you:

(first posted on: 10/21/00)

So I worked today and I've come to the conclusion that the Girl Scouts can suck the big one. I swear, at the beginning, when the Girl Scout forebearers were sitting around laying the ground work for world domination they decided to have all the stupidest troops on the face of the planet live in North Carolina so that one day those troops could be like "Hey...let's all go to Savannah so we can slowly kill off the brain cells of the poor souls who work at the Juliette Gordon Low Birthplace house" No, I'm serious. I think it happened like that.

There was this one troop today who was totally enthralled with EVERYTHING in the gift shop. They would pick up the most bland trinket and act like found the holy grail of gift merchandise.

Brittney the Girl Scout enters gift shop and stares around wildy..gasps...then grabs something small and clutches it in front of herself. Her face glows...almost unable to contain her excitement

Brittney: "OHMIGAWD OH MY GOD!!! A PENCIL! And it's GREEN! and it says GIRL SCOUTS on it!!!! OH MY GOD OHMIGAWD!!!!! AAAAHHH!!!"

[Brittney looks as though she's about to pass out from lack of oxygen reaching her brain due to insanely high levels of joy, as the other girls gather around her, ooooh-ing and aaaaah-ing at the green pencil as she holds it aloft. Tiffany, Brittany's best friend, puts her hand on her shoulder and looks serious]

Tiffany: "My god Brittney....you should totally buy that. It SO matches your uniform."

[All the Girls murmur their agreement and stare wide eyed at the green jewel of a pencil that seems to emit a holy light, as though god himself had pointed earthwards and said "Totally Brittney...that pencil is the fucking BOMB." The minutes slowly tick by and the girls stand quietly entranced by the pencil, wishing silently that they too could have such a wonderful writing implement that matched their outfits so well...when Mitzy (the smart one of the group) has a small epiphany and yells:]

Mitzy: "OH MY GOD YA'LL!! WE ALL MATCH THE PENCIL!!!! WE'RE ALL WEARING GREEN!!!"

[A collective cheer arises from the patch-clad mass as they decend upon the box of pencils...wondering how people who don't match green girl scout pencils could possibly live normal lives]

Actualy this whole scene repeats itself all over again once one of them discovers the Girl Scout coin purses...and then all hell breaks loose when someone comes upon the stash of commemorative thimbles. I watch this all going on from behind the cash register, with fear creeping into my heart because I've suddenly found myself surrounded on all sides by ugly.

The troop leaders who have a collective IQ of 18 have spotted me and started circling, eyeing my uniform and asking me over and over again why I'm wearing Girl Scout pins since I'm a boy. I explain to them in a slow and even tone, that I am a boy and I am a registered Girl Scout. It's not that this was my calling or life goal... I just happen work in a place where one is required to register as a Girl Scout. I am a national service center worker. Is this concept so damn fucking hard to understand?!?!?!.

Apparently so.

I swear if I hear one more poorly applied make-up, trailer trash troop leading strumpet say one more time "But you don't LOOOK like a Girl scout!!" I'm going to quietly leave my post behind the counter, walk across the shop, and impale myself on the god damn green Girl Scout pencils.

I'm a fountain of Hate in the Shape of a boy.

(first posted on: 4/29/00)

I'm sitting here feeling kinda guilty about what happened yesterday. The SCAD Side-Walk Art Festival was going on in Forsyth Park, and I had spent most of the day there, but at one point I left for a bit and walked down to Wachovia to use the ATM. I saw Jami standing outside work so I stopped and we chatted a bit, then I decided that I was thirsty so I went into the J. Low House to get some water out of the water-thingy (that's the technical name).

The house was totally packed with Girl Scouts and Robin was running around trying to control the insanity. She had a crowd of troop leaders following her around asking her dumb questions and just generally getting in the way. She spotted me and asked if I could help her out...she looked so frazzled I said yes and took one troop leader into the gift shop to buy a taped walking tour.

The leader who needed the walking tour tape was in a huge rush so I jumped onto an empty register to ring her up. While this was all happening there was a different Girl Scout troop in there shopping and a small line had formed in front of the registers. At the head of that line was a leader of the other troop...she was waiting for one of the girls who worked in the gift shop to get her something from out of the stock room or gift wrap something...I don't really know...but she was waiting anyway and her order had not been rung up yet.

I got onto this register because it was open and started ringing up the leader who needed the tape, but leader who was waiting for the stuff from the stock room started getting very huffy. She was like "What do you think you're doing? I'm next in line!" I said that I was well aware of that and whoever was helping her would be right back, but in the mean time I had to ring up the walking tour tape for this other leader because she was in a hurry and her troop had already left for lunch.

The bitchy leader in line was like "I don't care, we're in a hurry too. We're on a schedule here and we don't have much time" she slammed her hand on the counter as I finish ringing up the walking tour tape and even went so far as to try to block the other troop leader from passing me her money.

As I was putting the cash in the register the bitchy leader snapped "Who do you think you are anyway??? You don't even work here". It's true, I was in my civies and not my uniform so it did appear that I was some random, lumbering tourist who just decided to jump behind the registers in a random house museum gift shop and ring up other visitors...but her last comment irked me to the point that something in my brain snapped. I wasn't on the clock and I was trying to be helpful here but this woman would just not stop her bitching and carrying on...I said "Shut the fuck up." under my breath and she sighed loudly and flailed her arms about all exasperated-like.

I looked up as I was handing the other leader her money back and I told the bitchy leader "Lady, just suck it okay? Why don't you try being a little bit considerate for once and let this other woman, who's in a hurry, go ahead of you??? You'd be waiting here anyway so stop bitching about it. You're supposed to be a damned 'sister to every girl scout' so why don't you start acting a little bit more mature" Then I called her a bitch and walked away and went into the kitchen to get my water.

It felt so damn good at the time. I mean, here I was totally cussing out a Girl Scout. I've been wanting to do that for over a year and I finally did it and it felt damn GOOD! It was a crazy kinda high....but now...I feel kinda bad. My mother raised me better than that. I went into work today and I read through the troop evaluation forms and no one had complained about anything. The woman might

write the house at some later point to bitch, but I doubt it. Seems they were having a lot of trouble with all the troops yesterday anyway so I probably shouldn't worry about it.

oh well

(first posted on: 8/6/01)

I'm in a bad mood. I feel like being abrasive and spiteful, but I can't really place why...maybe it's because I'm insane (that could be it).

I should start a club for people who are Abrasive like me. How scary would that be? ...if all us Abrasive people connected and networked together, making an abrasive version of "Hands-Across-America". We could rule the world!!!!! We could do one of those Care-Bear things....and shoot little 'abrasive' rays out of our tummies and destroy the government, take it over, and erect (teehee...that's a funny word) our own more perfect...more ABRASIVE...empire!!!!

Yeah that'd be fun. I wanna be able to shoot things outta my tummy.

[open scene]

The Girl Scout House...annoying tourists surround our hero, Mr Foxy Ticket Seller Man Mangus, screaming and flailing their arms about in the air:

Tourist #1: We don't want to pay your stupid girl scout prices!

Tourist #2: NO! We want to do everything for FREE!!!

Tourist #3: And we want to touch things!

Tourist #4: Old fragile breakable antique things!!!!

Tourist #1: And put them in our dirty touristy mouths and suck on them

Tourist #2: And we don't want to go on a tour...we want to walk through by ourselves!!

Tourist #3: Yes, so you won't know which one of us jumps up on the bed and poops on it

[the evil tourists laugh their wicked laughs as our hero, Mr. Foxy-Ticket-Seller-Man Mangus leaps upon the ticket desk and screams:]

Mr.Foxy-Ticket-Seller-Man Mangus: "ABRASIVE BOY STARE!!!"

[beams of pure abrasive-ness shoot out of Mr. Foxy-man's tummy, bathing the evil tourists in it's holy light, thusly turning them into goo]
[end scene]

yeah well...I never said I was normal.

(tomorrow....Part Two!)