Doug called me yesterday afternoon while I was lounging on the deck jutting off the back of Justin's house. We had discussed earlier in the week that we would each read the diary of someone in 12% Beer who we normally aren't in the habit of reading, and then we would discuss them in a recorded telephone conversation so that they could feel good about themselves. But did I hold up my end of a bargain? No of course not. I was way too busy watching Gay Hitchhiker Porn.

Yeah, believe me, it's really not as entertaining as if should have been, but it's taught me a great many things, like:

Porn is such a silly thing and it makes me smile that some people get so worked up over it, both for and against it. A friend of mine is actually paying off his loans from going to Film school by directing, shooting, and producing porn movies. And I need to just step back and say that I've never seen overweight, drunken, rednecks and football player rut around like bunnies in such a beautifully framed and artistic way. It's almost like they're dancing, except there's more penetration.

So I would like to apologize to Doug for not doing my homework, and MadamePierce for ignoring her and giving my undivided attention to hot, anonymous, man on man, hitchhiker action. I would like to point out though, that I tried to make it up to both of them by going to this website that she posted and making an avatar of myself, that looks nothing like me, standing in front of a fjord and holding a small furry animal that I'm assuming is a cat of some kind.

Am I redeemed? I surely hope so.

The other day I finally got around to spending the $50 gift certificate that my sister and brother-in-law gave me for my birthday. Seeing that I am so utterly fantastic and thrifty, I was able to get the maximum amount of stuff for my penny. I bought:

1. [book] Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. I had seen this laying on Patrick's coffee table when Justin and I were last in D.C. and I thought "Who loves dead bodies more than I do?? NO ONE!" so I decided that I had to read it.

2. [book] The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson. I bought this for two reasons, (a) I loved his book "A Short History of Nearly Everything" and decided that I wanted to read about the history of American English and (b) the title sounds totally kinky.

3. [book] A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. This actually arrived in the mail yesterday and inside the front cover was a hand written note from the vender I bought it from:

4. [book] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. I was told to read this book by a sexy man online, so it must be good.

5. [book] Six Feet Under: Better Living Through Death honestly, there really isn't any reason for me to get this book, but there are lots of pretty pictures in it and the vendor was selling it for $2.50 so I got it in hopes that there are pictures of Clare (who I have a girl-crush on) and possibly nude centerfolds of my TV boyfriend, Keith The Big-Black-Sex-Cop. My fingers are crossed.

6. [book] The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. A Hot Babe suggested this one to me, and as we have seen before, when hot people suggest for me to do things, there is a very large possibility that I will actually do it.

7. [audio cd] O by Damien Rice. I haven't really listened to a lot of his stuff before, but I thought I'd give it a try and see if he incited me to make sweet luvin' to the closest thing that I can grab. I like music like that.

8. [DVD] Welcome to Sunny Florida by Tori Amos. I know that I will never escape the stigma of being a Tori fan, and being gay doesn't really help that either. I will admit that in late high school/early college I went through my "Airy Fairy New-Age Hippy Waif" phase and listened to Tori while dancing about my dorm room flinging fist fulls of glitter into the air. I don't do that anymore (glitter is a bitch to get out of the carpet) but I do still enjoy her music, and seeing that I had tickets to go see her in concert last year and then wasn't able to attend, I thought I deserved to see the DVD at least.

I bought my father a Father's Day card, but I haven't sent it yet. I think that the fact that I bought it BEFORE Father's Day counter-acts the fact that he's not going to actually receive the card until the week after. I'm sure he's going to sit around and be mildly insulted that I haven't sent him anything, and then get excited when he does actually get the card in the mail.

I always have to be careful when sending cards to my father because he tends to believe everything that's written in them (same goes for annoying email forwards). So while I'm standing in the Hallmark store, I have to totally bypass all the brightly colored cards with happy cartoon children with rosy cheeks proclaiming to the heavens that they LOVE their dad -or- that their dad is the BEST dad in the world! I tend to head straight to the 99cent cards with black and white photos, that are blank on the inside.

The card I got this year though is a little bit different and I'm rather proud of myself. One the front of the card is a black and while desert scene, but not the sandy kinda desert, the kind that's all crappy with rocks and stuff. Superimposed floating in the air over this picture are multicolored action figures of 50's era-looking aliens, with giant baby doll heads on them. When you open the card it says "Yeah, I don't get it either...Happy Birthday". I, of course, crossed out the word "BIRTH" with a blue pen and wrote in "FATHER'S" there instead, and then signed my name at the bottom.

Score.

I'm eating ice cream cake for lunch because I am a man and even if I don't admit it we all know that I just want it in me.
Mmmm so cold...so creamy...